My constant fear of what people will think.

They’ll know I’m a fraud. 

It’s all an act. 

Say the right thing, appear this way and they will approve. 

They do approve, so why change?

What does my fear look like? 

False bravado. 

Pursuing confrontation which I’d rather not. 

Overthinking every word. 

Replaying decade old conversations in my mind, wishing I’d said something different.

Saying no to things I should say yes to. 

Being illogically headstrong. 

Debilitating fear of failure. 

Doing only the things people think I’m good at. 

Immersing myself in work in a way that’s not always healthy. 

Dying on the hill of declarations I made about myself that no longer apply. 

Shutting people out. 

Pretending I know the words to say. 

Pretending I’m a better friend than I am. 

Manipulating narratives to suit me. 

Playing the victim. 

Anger. 

Retelling every story like an epic.

Lying. 

A constant burden to carry. 

I even fear that people will know that I fear what people will think.

Does this mean deep down I judge people? 

Worried what people will think because I am constantly thinking of other people and judging their decisions and life stories. 

Truth is…

I’m not really as clever as I want you to think I am. You already know that right? 

Nowhere near as accomplished. Big surprise! 

Not as kind.

Not as spiritual. 

Not as confident. 

I bruise easily. 

I’m afraid. A lot.