How and When will I know??!
First I would like to thank everyone who has been following my blog and for all the kind comments on my writing. The truth is I love to write and I have never written for anyone but myself, my university lectureres and a few articles here and there. And much as I exude (or at least I think I do!) confidence and an air of being sure of myself, I really am petrified of what people will think of my writing. My writing appears relaxed but in reality it is tentative and mostly written down in my trusty journal first so as to edit and re-edit. All I'm saying is I worry what everyone will think and I am grateful that those of you who like my writing, like my writing! Thanks for following and encouraging me to write more. I've been quiet for about a month and on a quick perusal of my previous posts I realise that all of them are a month apart. It is not deliberate. I was hoping this whole blogging malarkey would be a little bit like writing in my journal and yet I still write in my journal at least three times a day. I guess it's that pressure of having to say things just right way on a blog. Also, as you'll have noticed, if I blog the way I journal, you'll have to wait a while before I get to the point! I'm also working now, which means I no longer have long lazy days to ponder what great places I've been to eat or why my family are my family. My time is no longer my own. Thankfully my job is mainly writing, not the fun, sarcastic and self exploratory writing I love, but the formal, strict kind, the kind people only read if they have to! But it's writing neverthless and so I'm happy!
So How and When will I know??! It is at said job, during lunch (the best and most insipiring time of the day at work!) that I had the most interesting and petrifying conversation with my boss. She was sharing with me about her life and how she came to be doing what she is doing. LOVELY! Until she looked me straight in the eye and said what do you want to do with your life? Sounds simple enough written there, but it filled me with dread! Anyone who knows me well, knows that I read into everything, especially questions. And after I have read into stuff, I come up with several different interpretations and conclusions and then spend a while pondering what such a question actually means and how I should begin to respond and what sort of impression my response will make. I then consider different responses and play out in my head what sort of conversation each response will lead to. I eventually pick one response, then pause for dramatic effect..........then answer! It's a wonder I'm not on some sort of medication just to calm my nerves! That whole back and forth took about half a second and then came my answer........It was an inexplicable sound that resembled the whine of a dog as it realises that you're leaving it or a fake laugh, coupled with a laboured cough and the gnashing of my imperfect (but beautiful) teeth!
I DO NOT KNOW! That's what I really ought to have said. I don't know! Hence the question; HOW AND WHEN WILL I KNOW??! In a bid to sound cleverer and more accomplished than I am, I began to say all of the things I think I want to do with my life. And as her face contorted into a sympathetic smile (i think!), I realised how terribly all over the place I am. My high school yearbook has a picture of a very thin, fresh faced and confident me. Below it is a caption that says something like 'she intends to be a Human Rights Lawyer'! Does she? Does she really? Well I went on to study Law and then Human Rights, talk about a plan coming together. But along the way I discovered my love for writing and cooking and making people laugh and tidying and reading novels and the news, no wonder my poor boss looked like she was witnessing a plane crash as I tried to explain. I have spent days on end trying to condense Law and Human Rights (which I love) and writing and cooking and making people laugh and reading novels and the news (which I adore) into a respectable profession that my mum can tell her friends about after church. Anyone whose mum goes to church knows those gatherings. Where these women in feigned humility, literally jostle to be the next to share how their little one has 'only' done a phd in astrophysics and has now branched out into a 'little' project to find the cure for AIDS! There my poor mum will be, nodding and smiling, twiddling with her car keys, hoping no one notices her ever so conspicuos silence! I want to be talked about after church. OK, I really don't, but I just want to know what I want to do with my life. I wish I was a little more like those lucky ones, who just know. Take my husband for example. He came out of the womb scoring a try! Sport is in his blood. He was always going to play sport, work in sport and live sport. Few things make him happier than sport. He's good at whatever sport he tries out and even his body is built for sport. After years as a brilliant sportsperson, now he's an even better Sports administrator and coach. If I should so lucky.
Im turning 30 next year. The big three O! Oprah always says that when she got to her thirties she had hit her stride, she was sure of herself and scoffed at what a fool she had been in her 20s. If only. So if anyone knows how and when I will know, please help a sister out. Let me know how it's all worked out for you. Is it idealistic of me to think that my life can be about ALL of the things on that long list of things I love? Surely in 2012 I dont have to be a Human Rights Lawyer or a Cooking Tidier in order to be considered to have achieved something. Can't I do it all? If I can't condense my life into a tight succint sentence, have I failed?? H.E.L.P
Ok good people, lunch time is over! Time to go back to my researching and writing WOOPDIDOODAH (not sarcastic!)
So How and When will I know??! It is at said job, during lunch (the best and most insipiring time of the day at work!) that I had the most interesting and petrifying conversation with my boss. She was sharing with me about her life and how she came to be doing what she is doing. LOVELY! Until she looked me straight in the eye and said what do you want to do with your life? Sounds simple enough written there, but it filled me with dread! Anyone who knows me well, knows that I read into everything, especially questions. And after I have read into stuff, I come up with several different interpretations and conclusions and then spend a while pondering what such a question actually means and how I should begin to respond and what sort of impression my response will make. I then consider different responses and play out in my head what sort of conversation each response will lead to. I eventually pick one response, then pause for dramatic effect..........then answer! It's a wonder I'm not on some sort of medication just to calm my nerves! That whole back and forth took about half a second and then came my answer........It was an inexplicable sound that resembled the whine of a dog as it realises that you're leaving it or a fake laugh, coupled with a laboured cough and the gnashing of my imperfect (but beautiful) teeth!
I DO NOT KNOW! That's what I really ought to have said. I don't know! Hence the question; HOW AND WHEN WILL I KNOW??! In a bid to sound cleverer and more accomplished than I am, I began to say all of the things I think I want to do with my life. And as her face contorted into a sympathetic smile (i think!), I realised how terribly all over the place I am. My high school yearbook has a picture of a very thin, fresh faced and confident me. Below it is a caption that says something like 'she intends to be a Human Rights Lawyer'! Does she? Does she really? Well I went on to study Law and then Human Rights, talk about a plan coming together. But along the way I discovered my love for writing and cooking and making people laugh and tidying and reading novels and the news, no wonder my poor boss looked like she was witnessing a plane crash as I tried to explain. I have spent days on end trying to condense Law and Human Rights (which I love) and writing and cooking and making people laugh and reading novels and the news (which I adore) into a respectable profession that my mum can tell her friends about after church. Anyone whose mum goes to church knows those gatherings. Where these women in feigned humility, literally jostle to be the next to share how their little one has 'only' done a phd in astrophysics and has now branched out into a 'little' project to find the cure for AIDS! There my poor mum will be, nodding and smiling, twiddling with her car keys, hoping no one notices her ever so conspicuos silence! I want to be talked about after church. OK, I really don't, but I just want to know what I want to do with my life. I wish I was a little more like those lucky ones, who just know. Take my husband for example. He came out of the womb scoring a try! Sport is in his blood. He was always going to play sport, work in sport and live sport. Few things make him happier than sport. He's good at whatever sport he tries out and even his body is built for sport. After years as a brilliant sportsperson, now he's an even better Sports administrator and coach. If I should so lucky.
Im turning 30 next year. The big three O! Oprah always says that when she got to her thirties she had hit her stride, she was sure of herself and scoffed at what a fool she had been in her 20s. If only. So if anyone knows how and when I will know, please help a sister out. Let me know how it's all worked out for you. Is it idealistic of me to think that my life can be about ALL of the things on that long list of things I love? Surely in 2012 I dont have to be a Human Rights Lawyer or a Cooking Tidier in order to be considered to have achieved something. Can't I do it all? If I can't condense my life into a tight succint sentence, have I failed?? H.E.L.P
Ok good people, lunch time is over! Time to go back to my researching and writing WOOPDIDOODAH (not sarcastic!)
Love it! again! but we both know that i'm very biased because i love you so and look up to you a lot. in terms of answering your question, i think (in my very airy fairy way) that you'll never 'know' cos there's no destination. you are living your life now and doing something with it! it's so sad that the question implies that there's only one thing you can do with your life, but God gave a day 24 hours to live in and do in, those who made the rules said we'd spend 8 of those working (formally to get paid), but there's 16 more hours everyday to DO in! so, what are you doing with your life now? one third of it is about writing formal stuff, the other two thirds and for living and cooking and learning and tidying (yuck!) and writing fun stuff and making people laugh! that's living! the difference you make in our lives is the one we will look back on when we are 80 and i'm still boozing and you're still drinking juice and those are the moments we'll smile about! so, to wrap this up and get back to work (blah!) you know it already and you'll never know it.
ReplyDeletethat is my two cents!
Oh Pen!!! I loved reading this, as usual you have put down in words, so eloquently, the thoughts running through most of our minds! a great read!!
ReplyDeleteAs for your predicament....uhm?...as a 24yr old soon to be unemployed student, its safe to say...I don't have a solution for you as yet! but I'll keep you in mind!!
Thank you for saying out loud what i have been wondering for years. When i was 20 and came to the USA i thought i knew what i wanted to do but now 9 years later i am not where i thought i would be in my life but what Mvuse said above rings true for me. As the years have passed i have stopped trying to spend too much time dwelling on what i'm meant to do but just living in the here and now and taking asvantage of every opportunity that comes my way and I have found it quite fulfilling....
ReplyDelete