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My constant fear of what people will think.

They’ll know I’m a fraud.   It’s all an act.   Say the right thing, appear this way and they will approve.   They do approve, so why change? What does my fear look like?  False bravado.  Pursuing confrontation which I’d rather not.  Overthinking every word.  Replaying decade old conversations in my mind, wishing I’d said something different. Saying no to things I should say yes to.  Being illogically headstrong.  Debilitating fear of failure.  Doing only the things people think I’m good at.  Immersing myself in work in a way that’s not always healthy.  Dying on the hill of declarations I made about myself that no longer apply.  Shutting people out.  Pretending I know the words to say.  Pretending I’m a better friend than I am.  Manipulating narratives to suit me.  Playing the victim.  Anger.  Retelling every story like an epic. Lying.  A constant burden to carry.  I even fear that pe...
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#justsaying

I laughed reading a news article about the dilemma that men in Taiwan find themselves in. To sit or not to sit. While having a wee. I could not believe it. According to a Taiwanese minister, sitting on the toilet like women do, creates a cleaner environment. Seriously! Local governments are actually going to put up notices in public places suggesting that men to sit down. Turns out 30% of men in Japan sit down and there’s a serious political style campaign in Sweden to advocate for sitting down. Why sit down? No pee puddles = a cleaner and fresher smelling toilet! While I am all for toilets that smell of roses, this whole thing just made me realise that being in a developed country means that people have the luxury to worry and spend time and money on things that, in the greater scheme of things, don’t actually matter! In Taiwan, gents care to take a (toilet) seat? In the rest of the world approximately 2.6 billion people have nowhere to go to the toilet. That’s not ‘Oh crumbs! They d...
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Why I'm in the family I'm in!

In April, my brother, his fiance and my beautiful niece and nephew came to visit us. It was the happiest and busiest I’ve been for a long time. Driving back from the airport after they’d left, I blinked back the tears. I hate saying goodbye! In a bid to calm myself I got my journal out and started to write. I do this often, put my feelings down on paper. It’s terribly cathartic!  As we drove down the dark streets, I was overcome by how much I love my family. Every single one of them! Unlike most families, my siblings and I have very different life experiences. We have the same mum and dad but I am much younger than them and I arrived almost in the post dad era! I’ll be honest when I first started thinking about writing a blog about family; it was going to be full of comical anecdotes and harsh characterisation of each of them. BUT this isn’t that at all. Like me they’re flawed, I’ve often rolled my eyes at them, they’ve made me cry and often I wonder how it’s possible th...
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