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My constant fear of what people will think.

They’ll know I’m a fraud.   It’s all an act.   Say the right thing, appear this way and they will approve.   They do approve, so why change? What does my fear look like?  False bravado.  Pursuing confrontation which I’d rather not.  Overthinking every word.  Replaying decade old conversations in my mind, wishing I’d said something different. Saying no to things I should say yes to.  Being illogically headstrong.  Debilitating fear of failure.  Doing only the things people think I’m good at.  Immersing myself in work in a way that’s not always healthy.  Dying on the hill of declarations I made about myself that no longer apply.  Shutting people out.  Pretending I know the words to say.  Pretending I’m a better friend than I am.  Manipulating narratives to suit me.  Playing the victim.  Anger.  Retelling every story like an epic. Lying.  A constant burden to carry.  I even fear that pe...
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Woman Down

There is something about the moment when your body gives way under you. It is unexpected and brutal, surprising and surreal. Your weakness is magnified and all the things that really matter come to fore. Got me thinking about why it takes a system failure and near shut down for me to pause and think about my wellbeing. Why I can naturally be all things to all people and not myself. Why even typing the word 'myself' makes me cringe a little because it's means I'm self absorbed.  In silence and darkness and the solitude of my pain comes a new clarity. A different approach. A more honest self.  A self more comfortable in self. 
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Just talk!

There are few things more stressful than grocery shopping. I know it; I am privileged to be able to cart a shopping trolley around throwing in eveything (ish) I’d like with reckless abandon. I work with a shopping list because I’m almost always hungry, not just when I go shopping and we all know that a hungry shopper is greedy shopper. The list also helps to quell my deep seated almost pathological fear of forgetting things. So here’s how it plays out. Grab trolley. Preferably the big ones. Place heavy handbag in the spot where kids can sit. I need to get better at handbag packing because I believe I’m doing myself some long term shoulder damage. Story for another day. Burst through the doors with the gusto befitting such a momentous occasion. Decide which end of the store I’ll tackle first. It’s a quick mental calculation that always has the same result. Fresh veg and dairy last! Head to the very last row and then the craziness ensues.  Two things to note here. Actually o...
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