Forgive again

Have you ever forgiven someone? I mean really forgiven a person; who has caused you pain, humiliation and that yucky feeling of having the rug pulled from under your feet. Have you ever bundled those feelings in a neat little package and thrown them away only to encounter them again when you were innocently taking a walk round your own mind? Do you know the feeling of immersing yourself in that anger afresh and wondering what you ever did to be treated that way? Your heart feels heavy again, bruised anew. Offended again, ego raises its ugly head and declares that no one has the right to hurt you that way. You wrestle again with the when. Consider the how and slip frightfully back into trying to unpack the why. And then you realise, you never forgave them at all. You chose to walk away because staring pain right in the eye burns your eyeballs. That neat package of ill feeling was all you could do to stay sane. But absolving that person of their crime, expunging their record forever, wishing them well (gasp!), you certainly haven't done that. You were secretly waiting for the day they would feel how you felt without even knowing it. But would you really wish that on anyone? Honestly probably not. So today I forgive again. Not because I am strong or wise or benevolent but because hurting is harder. I forgive again because I am too weak to do it just once. I forgive again because Lord knows I need forgiveness again and again. And tomorrow I will forgive again. 

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