Stop being silly, just get on with it.

This year is a milestone birthday for me and I have to admit that I have been feeling a little bit like I am wasting time. My life's time line didn't quite take the course that I wished it would and I constantly feel the pressure to explain away my lack of achievement. When I am in a happier and more sober minded mood, I remind myself of my wonderful marriage, to a fairytale type guy! BUT that's not something I've done, but rather something that's happened to me. OK so I have two degrees and people who call me their friend. I write for magazines. I am a very good aunt and reasonably reliable! The point I am trying to make is that I have made an occupation of feeling sorry for myself and wishing I could do or be more. I have the audacity to belittle the goodness that has come  my way and the things that I have achieved. 

 I am currently on a work assignment that literally fell in my lap with no effort of my own. Yet another wonderful thing and yet I am here sitting at the desk, papers strewn all over, BBC Radio 4 playing in the background and crying my eyes out. I feel terribly inadequate, like a little child playing among grown ups. It's a weird paradox. On the one hand I have been seeking opportunities to prove myself and then when they present themselves I am crippled with the fear that the truth will come out. The truth that I am actually not that good. 

 I am crying, not because I think I will not get the work done, but because I just had a glimpse into the life of another young woman and realised that I have it very very good and yet I still feel like a failure. A few hours ago one of my dearest friends sent me a link to a blog. Finding an Anchor in the Storm a blog by Stari Gunarathne. She is 26 and fighting through a second bout of cancer. She is graceful, thoughtful and more full of life than I ever will be. Today she put me to shame. She is honest about her fears and lives in the moment, every painful moment. If you get a moment read it. It is beautiful and has inspired me to stop being silly and just get on with it. She is brutally honest and I think I must being honest too. Watch this space for some honesty! 

 Happy Friday

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My constant fear of what people will think.

They’ll know I’m a fraud.   It’s all an act.   Say the right thing, appear this way and they will approve.   They do approve, so why change? What does my fear look like?  False bravado.  Pursuing confrontation which I’d rather not.  Overthinking every word.  Replaying decade old conversations in my mind, wishing I’d said something different. Saying no to things I should say yes to.  Being illogically headstrong.  Debilitating fear of failure.  Doing only the things people think I’m good at.  Immersing myself in work in a way that’s not always healthy.  Dying on the hill of declarations I made about myself that no longer apply.  Shutting people out.  Pretending I know the words to say.  Pretending I’m a better friend than I am.  Manipulating narratives to suit me.  Playing the victim.  Anger.  Retelling every story like an epic. Lying.  A constant burden to carry.  I even fear that pe...
Read more

Good morning 2014.

I really cannot believe how long it's been since I last blogged. Sometimes life takes over, grabs you by the scruff of the neck and drags you into submission. Pausing to write about it all was the furthest thing from my mind. Instead I just licked my grass burns and pulled through it with all the energy I could muster. To be honest 2013 wasn't all bad, in fact it was pretty fabulous. I didn't do all I'd set out to do, I did some things I could have never envisaged and grew in ways I know will be useful for me in the future. So this very first waking moment of 2014 finds me sitting on the cold floor of the balcony of our apartment. I cannot believe how neglected my hanging strawberry baskets are. These once astoundingly fertile and beautiful baskets of fruit and plush greenery (that always reminded me of the fruit of the loom logo), are now in dire straits! There must be a metaphor somewhere in there. Where there once was promise now grow weeds. Not even impressive weeds...
Read more

Whatever could I be referring to?

THERE Something is hanging in the air Looming, threatening, frightening It's locked my limbs to inaction Closing my eyes and bracing myself It'll have to find me right here Can you feel it too? Choking the promise that once was Making me dread what will be Stifling, the air too dry to breath Not even shade under the trees Nothing for free To free me, no one Surely this is not how it should be? Comfort in ruins Delight in despair Pray tell what took me there? Laughter in disaster Will I even have a heart hereafter? A book with covers A few pages Not chapters Empty Shelve it, burn it No matter No one will notice Eyes closed, self braced It'll have to find me right here. FINIS
Read more