Joy is.....



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My constant fear of what people will think.

They’ll know I’m a fraud.   It’s all an act.   Say the right thing, appear this way and they will approve.   They do approve, so why change? What does my fear look like?  False bravado.  Pursuing confrontation which I’d rather not.  Overthinking every word.  Replaying decade old conversations in my mind, wishing I’d said something different. Saying no to things I should say yes to.  Being illogically headstrong.  Debilitating fear of failure.  Doing only the things people think I’m good at.  Immersing myself in work in a way that’s not always healthy.  Dying on the hill of declarations I made about myself that no longer apply.  Shutting people out.  Pretending I know the words to say.  Pretending I’m a better friend than I am.  Manipulating narratives to suit me.  Playing the victim.  Anger.  Retelling every story like an epic. Lying.  A constant burden to carry.  I even fear that pe...
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#justsaying

I laughed reading a news article about the dilemma that men in Taiwan find themselves in. To sit or not to sit. While having a wee. I could not believe it. According to a Taiwanese minister, sitting on the toilet like women do, creates a cleaner environment. Seriously! Local governments are actually going to put up notices in public places suggesting that men to sit down. Turns out 30% of men in Japan sit down and there’s a serious political style campaign in Sweden to advocate for sitting down. Why sit down? No pee puddles = a cleaner and fresher smelling toilet! While I am all for toilets that smell of roses, this whole thing just made me realise that being in a developed country means that people have the luxury to worry and spend time and money on things that, in the greater scheme of things, don’t actually matter! In Taiwan, gents care to take a (toilet) seat? In the rest of the world approximately 2.6 billion people have nowhere to go to the toilet. That’s not ‘Oh crumbs! They d...
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Hurting but Alive.

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I recently received some painfully disappointing news. The kind that hurts in your chest and takes your breath away for a split second. I know you know it. The news that is followed by the sting of tears in your eyes and the immediate realisation that your dream has died. I wrote about it on twitter the other day trying to my make sense of it all. I do this a lot. I try to unravel my thoughts and emotions by writing. A lot of it is in my journal, it's the purple leather bound one from monsoon. I love that journal. Other times I'll write it in my phone notes and other times I'll come here. So here I am. Trying to put this to bed. I've allowed myself to dream big dreams in 2019, when it comes to my career. I have allowed myself to put imposter syndrome aside for a little while and reach for what could be. Some of it worked. Most it didn't and I find myself here facing crushing disappointment with more questions than answers. When I don't have answers I ask m...
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