Joy is.....



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My constant fear of what people will think.

They’ll know I’m a fraud.   It’s all an act.   Say the right thing, appear this way and they will approve.   They do approve, so why change? What does my fear look like?  False bravado.  Pursuing confrontation which I’d rather not.  Overthinking every word.  Replaying decade old conversations in my mind, wishing I’d said something different. Saying no to things I should say yes to.  Being illogically headstrong.  Debilitating fear of failure.  Doing only the things people think I’m good at.  Immersing myself in work in a way that’s not always healthy.  Dying on the hill of declarations I made about myself that no longer apply.  Shutting people out.  Pretending I know the words to say.  Pretending I’m a better friend than I am.  Manipulating narratives to suit me.  Playing the victim.  Anger.  Retelling every story like an epic. Lying.  A constant burden to carry.  I even fear that pe...
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Good morning 2014.

I really cannot believe how long it's been since I last blogged. Sometimes life takes over, grabs you by the scruff of the neck and drags you into submission. Pausing to write about it all was the furthest thing from my mind. Instead I just licked my grass burns and pulled through it with all the energy I could muster. To be honest 2013 wasn't all bad, in fact it was pretty fabulous. I didn't do all I'd set out to do, I did some things I could have never envisaged and grew in ways I know will be useful for me in the future. So this very first waking moment of 2014 finds me sitting on the cold floor of the balcony of our apartment. I cannot believe how neglected my hanging strawberry baskets are. These once astoundingly fertile and beautiful baskets of fruit and plush greenery (that always reminded me of the fruit of the loom logo), are now in dire straits! There must be a metaphor somewhere in there. Where there once was promise now grow weeds. Not even impressive weeds...
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Whatever could I be referring to?

THERE Something is hanging in the air Looming, threatening, frightening It's locked my limbs to inaction Closing my eyes and bracing myself It'll have to find me right here Can you feel it too? Choking the promise that once was Making me dread what will be Stifling, the air too dry to breath Not even shade under the trees Nothing for free To free me, no one Surely this is not how it should be? Comfort in ruins Delight in despair Pray tell what took me there? Laughter in disaster Will I even have a heart hereafter? A book with covers A few pages Not chapters Empty Shelve it, burn it No matter No one will notice Eyes closed, self braced It'll have to find me right here. FINIS
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